Mattering Less versus Mattering Differently December 2, 2011

Over the past two years, my role has changed dramatically with two very dear populations.   Today I received clear, bittersweet reminders of those evolutions and am once again left confounded by the concepts of mattering less versus mattering differently. 

With one population, I have had the sorrowful realization that I now matter much less than I once did.  My heart aches for the lost relationships and impact I might’ve had if those personal relationships existed as they once had existed.  Presently, while I don’t have the same one-on-one experiences, I participate in a broader scope of influence.  Or, perhaps I’m simply trying to convince myself that the loss of personal impact is part of a natural progression for which I should be comfortable.

With the second population, I’m in the process of departing a circle of mentorship and influence.  While the change in this situation may decrease responsibilities, it also removes from me some opportunities to both be challenged as well as to uniquely matter.

I’m highly fortunate to have had the opportunities to be involved in both populations – in whatever capacity – however, my heart aches knowing far less I matter to them.  The roles once filled by me are easily filled by others, but I am selfishly left to consider the internal void left in my own absence.  

So – I send these questions out to the void –

Have you experienced a situation in which you feel like you no longer matter or perhaps how you matter has evolved?  How were you able to embrace that change?  Or, did you have a midlife crisis and go by a ridiculous car?  (That sounds pretty good to me…)

Expert Holiday Survival Tips November 23, 2011

Slap on your biggest fake grin and double-check your wallet – it is holiday time!  If the word “holidays” makes you lapse into an anxiety-induced shudder, then you’re not alone.  It’s the perfect time to become greedy, slothful, and ungrateful as we rejoice in the peripheral things…like the massive bag of holiday chocolates I’m consuming while I type and frantically scavenge the internet for gifts for way-too-many people. 

Vacillating between feelings of excitement for snuggly warm socks, smells of cinnamon, and vacation time and also the feelings of foreboding for the impending family drama and chaotic schedules, I find myself in the usual holiday mood conflict.  Holidays are wonderful, but boy do they suck.

We run around freaking out about purchasing the right gifts, preparing the right foods, receiving the right approvals from our friends, and ultimately turning our homes into a place of contention and work – but we don’t get paid for it.   We behave in manners inconsistent with our usual selves and resort to considering gift propositions like Rachel Ray’s Garbage Bowl.  Have we fallen so far to consider spending money on a “garbage bowl” to sit on the counter?  Why not just use a bowl-bowl or, heaven forbid, a garbage can? 

We try to build lovey-dovey feelings of peace and togetherness by melting down our favorite trendy scent in our trendy scent warmer and turning on some holiday music to drown out the kids yelling at each other.  We set out piles of board games and try to force are family to participate in archaic rituals, knowing that they’ll all wind up around the TV shrine.  Then, we shrink away in our cowardice and disappointment and hide behind a mountain of dishes even if just to avoid the following conversation:  “What do you want to watch?” “I don’t know.  What do you want to watch?”  “I don’t know.  You choose.”

So, with these things considered and combined will my ability to state the obvious, I give you six tips for surviving the holidays:

1. Do less.  Stressing yourself out in a desperate attempt to please everyone will not only succeed but it’ll make you feel even worse.  Do less and you’ll still get the same results.
2. Take shortcuts.  Costco, Dream Dinners, and HoneyBaked Ham provide great products to make the holidays easier.  Also, gift cards solve that problem.  Gone are the days where gift cards were impersonal; if you still cling to this notion, it is time to let it go.  Guess what?  People want gift cards. 
3. Don’t buy things for adults who don’t need things.  Buying something for another adult often creates a sense of obligation which sucks away the purity in the gift in the first place.  It is what it is, folks.  While your intentions might be thoughtful, it adds more stress for the other person who might not be in the same financial or free-time situation as you.  It’s okay to make agreements with your friends to NOT buy each other anything.  In fact, I’ve found this to be a huge relief.
4. Spend your money where it matters.  If you’re blessed to have leftover funds from 1-3, invest them into your community.  Visit your local food bank, community action center, soup kitchen, et cetera – they would be happy to take your donation.
5. Don’t put your own expectations onto other people.  If you put out a pile of board games and then are disappointed that no one played them, that’s your own fault.  Put out the pile of games anyway, but don’t attach to them any emotion which is contingent upon whether they’re used.  This works the same way for gifts and talents – someone’s gift or talent will always be better than yours.  If you buy the gift or perform simply for the sake of doing it – and without comparison or expectation – then you’ll have a much better experience.
6. Enjoy yourself anyway.  People will fight, your turkey might be dry, many would rather sit around watching football or movies than talking, your house will be messy, and many people will be ungrateful.  While you can’t always control those things, you can accept that things will go wrong even as great memories are created and relationships forged.  What is right or wrong is all based upon perception – and most people will perceive things as juuuuuuuuust fine.  So, get over it. Be part of the relationships.  Let the dishes sit in the sink a little longer.  And, it’s okay if that garbage bowl was a terrible gift.  We’ll laugh about it for years.

Top 10 Types of People Who Intimidate Me October 21, 2011

Today, I felt intimidated.  This caused me to reflect upon what it was that caused me to have those feelings and the result was a top 10 list because, well, everyone loves a top 10 list!

Top 10 Types of People Who Intimidate Me

• 10. People Who Are Mean – Mean people suck.
• 9. Family Members (Includes both in- and out-laws) – Nope.  I’ll never be good enough for you.  Deal with it, Judgey Judgerson.
• 8. Religious Figures – See Family Members.
• 7. Obsessive Cat People – I just don’t know how to communicate with people who think it is okay to collect cats either in the live or virtual format (see: people who post pictures of cats, funny cats, cats doing funny things, cats wearing funny costumes, etc.). 
• 6. People Who Are Perfect And Know It – Brilliant, rich, educated, beautiful, talented, kind, powerful, sexy, and confident, these people are wonderful to be around.  You aspire to both please and emulate them.  Then, when you leave their presence, you fester over all the stupid things you did or said and worry he or she thinks you’re a moron….but that’s okay, because you secretly call him or her a jackass when he or she corrects your grammar.
• 5. People With No Obvious Emotions – These are the kind you speculate on how they feel or what they might think about something.  But, guess what?  You’re wrong.  Again.
• 4. Extremists – I am an extremist about not being an extremist.
• 3. Passive-Aggressive People – Surprise, buddy!  You’re under a bus!
• 2.   People Who Are Volatile – You know, those types you never have to ask how they’re doing.   It is either a very good day or a very bad day, but either way – watch out!
• 1. People Who Are Perfect And Don’t Know It – Brilliant, rich, educated, beautiful, talented, kind, powerful, sexy, and sensitive, these people are wonderful to be around.  You aspire to both please and emulate them.  Then, when you leave their presence, you fester over all the stupid things you did or said and worry he or she thinks you’re a moron….but that’s okay, because you know you’ll obsessively try again to gain his or her favor.

Any types we should add to the list?

By Proxy September 10, 2011

Two important women passed away recently.  These women I didn’t know well; I’d only met each once or twice.   Through others who are dear to me, I was, however, connected to them.  And, through those others I have felt expressions of great love – thus, I have loved – or perhaps been loved – by proxy.    

The wonderful women who passed away lived in the same town and even shared friends.  Their deaths were unrelated, but their life philosophies are indeed connected:  love and serve others endlessly.   At both services, family members described repeatedly and consistently the remarkable, yet humble impact each woman had upon others.  Over and over, tears poured across the pulpits or into crumpled Kleenexes.  Family, friends, and mere guests, like me, felt the waves of sorrow as we learned more – and felt more deeply – who we had lost.  Poignantly, I understood that love was both the origin of and the hopeful resolution to the sorrow felt through this loss.

Thinking about those who are suffering right now, I cannot help but acknowledge the consistencies between those who passed on and those who were left behind.  Unconditional love as parents, forgiving and dedicated companions, and community servants, my loved ones also have intertwined philosophies with those who they mourn.  Additionally, I consider the attribute of strength measurably apparent in my loved ones through their hard work, selflessness, and faith (even when that faith may feel blind). 

This experience reminded me how I’ve been blessed by the love, service, and strength of others; and, it, too, inspired the consideration that I’ve also been blessed by proxy through the dear women by whom my loved ones have been blessed and served.  Love and service are indeed the keys to a meaningful, memorable life.  Today, I have four exceptional women to thank for that reminder.

Life Enthusiasm and Perspective Model August 20, 2011

Recently, a discussion group was created on Facebook where I’ve been able to look back on some experiences I had growing up on a small Air Force base.  Reading the posts regarding the miniscule things about which were elated then versus the increased complexity required to reach the same level of excitement both as I aged and moved to a larger environment, inspired thought regarding perspective, enthusiasm, and time.  Combine this with some of my current personal and professional endeavors and the end result is what I will call the Life Enthusiasm and Perspective Model.

The Model includes considerations for four stages of life (childhood, teenager, adult, senior) and addresses the perceptions we have across life’s stages of the passage of time, the accuracy in perspective on life events, and our enthusiasm to live.  The graphic below represents a loose (read: tongue-in-cheek) analysis to demonstrate the evolution of these variables.  

First, as an ignorant and drooling child, we have no concept of time or perceptive on life.  However, our enthusiasm for life is high.  Then, as we become stupid-yet-know-it-all teenagers, time still moves rather slowly, our enthusiasm decreases, and somehow we have even less perspective on life.   As we age through miserable adulthood, time seems to go more quickly while our enthusiasm continues to decrease.  However, we become more knowledgeable as we gain greater perspective on life (perhaps this is why enthusiasm decreases - another hypothesis I will have to test at a later date).  And, lastly, as fatalistic and/or existentialistic and/or blissfully-euphoric senior citizens we have great perspective on life, time has all-but-expired, and we don’t get a darn about our future existence.

Based on an assumption of reasonable truth in the Model, it appears the best life balance occurs in adulthood during which we have the capacity to reach reasonable levels of both perspective and enthusiasm.  In simple terms, we know a little bit, have a little confidence, and life doesn’t completely suck.  

I’ll continue to use myself as an entirely biased case study for the Model, but am interested in your perception.  At what phase are you and how you rate yourself on perceiving the passage of time, enthusiasm for life, and level of confidence in your perspective of life’s events?  Is there any singular event which woke you up either in terms of enthusiasm or perspective?  Any good jokes?

Sleepy Superpowers July 16, 2011

Once in a while, especially with the onslaught of Marvel-based movies, we’re force to consider what would be our hypothetical superpower.  While I would never want to read minds, I used to think I’d love to have flight.  The reason was never due to some passionate desire to commune with nature, but rather to travel efficiently.  However, in my old age I believe I’ve changed my mind.  I’d rather either not require sleep or simply be able to sleep quickly and deeply.

Plagued by racing thoughts, restless arms or legs, worries on top of worries, vivid dreams, back pain, and a whole host of other pity-party-martyr-worthy issues, I nearly nightly covet the skills of those who can fall asleep within a few minutes of hitting the pillow.  I’m not looking for suggestions or advice; I’ve tried a lot of them and am not willing to try several others.  Regardless, I submit that although others might think it’s pretty lame, my fantasy hypothetical superpower would be to be able to sleep.   For now, I’ll simply dream of peacefully dreaming.

So, the question is – what would be your hypothetical superpower and why?

Cliche and Pre-Mourning June 14, 2011

Some of the most abused and least thoughtful clichés surround the concept of living appropriately (according to who-knows-who).  Live each day to the fullest for it may be your last, live in the moment, live like you are dying, blah, blah, blah.  The frequent use of these phrases leads me to believe one of two things:  the life-lesson cliché-spouter is either deluded or irresponsible (okay, so maybe three things – he or she could be both).

The delusion of cliché comes when the utterer thereof deceives him- or herself to believe that individual is in fact living his or her life accordingly.  Really?  Live each day to the fullest for it may be your last?   If it was your last day – every day – would you be punching the clock at the job you complain about constantly?  If you were living in the moment…uh…would you be complaining about that same clock-punching?  I’m fairly confident few people literally live each day as if it could be their last.  Let’s go ahead and remove that phrase from fortune cookies, too.

The translation of living in the moment equates to irresponsibility.  While it’s perfectly reasonable that one would enjoy said moment, it’s also that same cliché-spouter who would win the high school nomination for “Most Likely to Have Bad Credit.”  Just because someone plans does not mean he or she doesn’t enjoy moments.  There’s nothing like being judged by Mr. Cliché-Spouting-Credit-Slacker for planning ahead.  I, however, am a fan of both the enjoyment of moments and the enjoyment of excellent credit.  Country singers, take heed.  I veto the use of this phrase, too (not “Most Likely to Have Bad Credit” – that’s just awesome).

As I pre-mourn the loss of two wonderful things that will be leaving my life in the next month, this topic arose because past experience has resulted in judgment for not living in the moment and enjoying those things “…while they’re still here.”   The reality is, however, that I cherish those moments because I know they’re ending – but it doesn’t mean I must avoid that reality.  

So, in honor of my love of being a total hypocrite… All good things must end.  Deal with it.

Distract Me May 10, 2011

One of life’s greatest pleasures for me is discovering music.  While I love nearly every genre, I’m rarely so moved as by a great rock song.  As the last two weeks have been, well, disappointing, I’ve nevertheless found great joy in discovering music which ultimately compensated for that whole failing liver dilemma.  It was in some state of early morning delirium that I came across the concert on Palladia. 

(If you are unaware, Palladia is a music TV channel (on which I’ve formerly spent no more than probably 15 minutes total).  Check it out.  You probably have it.  I’m now a fan.)

The concert was for Shinedown, a band that has been around for a while and released several popular songs –  but I’d personally never purchased anything.  I watched the entire concert, moved by powerful vocals, catchy hooks, and a great live performance.  I made Dan go buy two CDs that day and immediately “Liked” them on Facebook.  (Yes, I own several iPods, but don’t ask me how old are my cars and how crappy are the iPod converters; CDs still rock.)

While I was excited about the band, the specific band isn’t necessarily the point; the point is that having some great new music provided some distraction from some less than favorable experiences.  I continue to delight in the distraction of music and am cognizant of its impact on my psychological state.  Now, I wonder if my colleagues have realized they’ll most likely find me in a good mood if music is playing in my office….

So – I guess it’s the question of the month now – What are the best things which distract you from unfavorable circumstances?  Any recommendations?

Want to check out more from Shinedown?  Here are two of my faves -  Sound of Madness and If You Only Knew.

Lessons in Communication April 10, 2011

From a distance, I heard her scream.  I turned to see what was the matter and found a family gathered around her, cautiously bending to get a closer look.  My heart ached knowing that she might be suffering, yet I betrayed my conscience and walked away with renewed quickness; I did not want to see her pain. 

Less than two hours later, I found myself wandering the same path and my memory was jarred again by her strident shrill.  Alone, I approached cautiously from where her shriek seemed to originate.  Looking down, I found her again.  She stared up at me and yelled.   Was she injured?   Could I help her?  I walked closer and she arose, stepping onto the curb and matching my pace. 

Her beady eyes stayed fixed on me and the alarm-like shrieking increased.  She gestured dramatically, seeming to make herself appear larger and more intimidating.  No, she was not in pain, I thought.  She was issuing a warning. 

Stay back.

When this realization struck, I looked down again to where she had lain and saw it – four small speckled eggs nestled in the mud of the parking lot island.  I glanced back to her; her white and brown wings were spread wide and her orangey tail was broadly fanned.  Okay, Mama.  I hear you. 

As I backed away, she returned to the oddly placed nest and snuggled down against her eggs.  Once more, all was quiet.   While walking away, I smiled and marveled at the uselessness of words and the ease and obviousness of cross-species communication. 

I came home and my dogs told me they wanted a treat.  No English required.

(PS – I wished I had a camera at that moment, but since I didn’t and am no ornithologist, I’d love to know the type of bird (UPDATE:  My awesome pseudo-ornithologist father has accurately identified the bird as a Killdeer.  Killdeers feign injury to lead threats away from the nest. I’ve taken photos, too – visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/wabisabis/sets/72157626358309539/ for the complete story.  BRILLIANT!)

Community Valued March 5, 2011

Communities are often sources of unknown opportunity and joy. While each community member may choose his or her level of engagement with the community, those who elect to actively participate are often also the recipients of increased joy. Each community has its own personality; and, I’ve come to better understand the nature of the community in which I live. My community is one of giving – and for that I’m thankful.

In the past few years, I’ve had increased opportunities to expand my involvement with the community. And, while often it feels as though there are simply more responsibilities and more work to do, I cannot deny that my increased involvement has been of great meaning. Both my personal and professional lives have been blessed through actively participating in community activities – through the arts, supporting small businesses and non-profit organizations, attending events, cheering for the local team, or just spending time with regular folks who, like me, just want to be part of something bigger than themselves.

We recently attended the Food and Care Coalition “Bowls for Humanity” event and I was overwhelmed by the throngs of community members which came to support the cause. The event was crowded, seats were hard to find, volunteers ran around chaotically responding to questions…it was perfect! Being uplifted through unity for a singular cause is one of the most remarkable aspects of being engaged in your community. Whether you go to the theater or the basketball game, lead a scouting group or support the chamber of commerce, volunteer at a food bank or write a big fat check – thank you! Because of you, both I and my community are blessed.

Awesome Handmade Bowls Acquired from Food and Care Coalition Bowls for Humanity Event