Random Blog Funk Response #4: Don’t Poop on my Lawn December 3, 2009

Random blog funk response #4 comes from my brilliant author-cousin who suggested “Untrained dogs versus undisciplined children.”  This topic has the potential to be controversial and, while I’m no author, I’m full of opinions and free internet space.  Go ahead.  Stop me.

When living in Las Vegas, I knew of a local family parented by two therapists who believed in the extreme interpretation of natural consequences.  Their children ran rampantly and the parents had no concern with the ensuing chaos.  While I moved away, I later heard the kids ended up delinquents.  Even if they didn’t, for the sake of this story I’m going to go ahead and tell you they did.  I never claimed to write non-fiction.

The consequence of undisciplined children is a greater impact on society than is that of the untrained dog.  While the untrained dog may still live out its brief existence housed in a residence or fenced yard, providing unconditional affection while simultaneously annoying the owner by destroying his or her shoes, the undisciplined child may not only annoy everyone who surrounds him or her but create lasting habits which impact that child’s ability to focus and achieve whereby increasing likelihood of deviance over a much longer term than is the lifespan of the average dog.  Thus, the undisciplined child has the greater potential to negatively impact society over time.

Now, I suppose there should be all manner of disclaimers as one in four children become delinquents.  Had I the time, I might do some literature reviews to determine whether disciplinary style impacts the 1:4 ratio.  However, seeing how this is a blog and I’m lazy, I refused to exert that much effort.  I’ll just say that it is my opinion that parents should consistently discipline and create structure from the perspective of love, not anger, and in which their children can excel.

I’ll conclude with my thoughts on pet ownership.   Cat owners who claim to have “neighborhood cats” are those in whom I am not a fan.  “Neighborhood cats” are an excuse for lazy pet ownership; they poop on my lawn, they torment my litter-box-trained dogs, and destroy my plants.   If you are unwilling to exert reasonable effort in training your pet or kid, don’t have either……or, consider a leash for both…you can find both on Amazon.com.  Really.  Buy one.  If I find your kid pooping on my lawn, I might get upset.

Random Blog Funk Response #3: Token Lighters and Cabbage Patch Jesus December 1, 2009

Random blog funk response #3 comes from one of my most entertaining neighbors. I think her suggestion is sufficient to be independently blogworthy – “I think you should blog about the way people put up any kind of lights on their house regardless of how they may look, just so they have Christmas lights. You know the ones… half of them blinking, mismatched strands, or totally crooked.”

For the sake of this blog, we’re going to call these people Token Lighters. They’re the neighbors who go to the effort to put up lights, but not the effort to maintain those lights. Note that this does not refer to those who cannot afford lights for around here we do not discriminate against either those people who cannot afford appropriate holidays lighting or those who are too lazy to hang up lights, despite having boxes of brand new lights under their stairs. Ahem. Thus, Token Lighters are defined as follows: A homeowner who willfully allows holiday decorations to fall into disrepair while intentionally displaying said décor to the extent which surrounding neighbors fear their homes will be labeled as belonging to a declining market.

Thankfully, I have the opportunity to revert to one of my favorite things – lists! I present for your consideration the first edition of “You know you’re a Token Lighter if…”

1. Your light strings are more than 15 years old (Note: If one light goes out and they all go out….your lights are too old. They have fixed this. Buy new lights.) 
2. You complain that the Wal-Mart 50% Off After Christmas Sale lights are too expensive, but spend a dozen hours replacing the fuses and checking your #1 lights one at a time. (Time is money, stubborn husbands!)
3. Your neighbors tell you your lights look “Greeeeeeeaaaaat.”
4. Your fake wicker reindeer no longer bobs its head and is missing one antler, but it goes out on the yard anyway.
5. Any single strand of lights blinks although it isn’t supposed to blink.
6. You’re too lazy to make a straight line around your gutters or windows, so instead you call your lights “abstract.”
7. You’re too lazy to make a straight line around your gutters or windows, so instead you make all of your strands into homemade “icicles.”
8. Your lighted nativity scene is missing a key individual and you’re overheard yelling for “Cabbage Patch Jesus.”
9. The plastic candy canes which line your walkway are now only half-wrapped with red cellophane. 
10. Your neighbor suggests your poor light display as a topic for a blog.

Contribution time! What other local Christmas light displays have you witnessed that have been completely outrageous (in either the good or bad way)?

Random Blog Funk Response #2: The corruption of Mistletoe, Eggnog, and Cookies December 1, 2009

The random blog funk response #2 is courtesy of my favorite stalker, who suggested the following: “I think you should blog about mistletoe, your favorite way to drink eggnog, and your top five favorite cookies.” While my family always decorated sufficiently for the Christmas holiday, I have no memory of any mistletoe in my house. However, I have in my possession what hung by the front door and was dubbed “The Kissing Ball.” The Kissing Ball is a clustered compilation of pinecones, fake shrubbery, and red ribbons. It is approximately eight inches in diameter and has brought no one such luck as it professes. While this might be due to the fact that none of my siblings or I are fans of, well, touching of any sort – I suggest that this year the aforementioned Kissing Ball become the Ball-Formerly-Known-As-Kissing (picture a pair of lips here surrounded by the international symbol for no). Thus, my experience (or lack thereof) with mistletoe is something on which I can no longer comment. However, I would certainly be interested in hearing your own experiences – does it actually work? And, if so, are you glad? If not, for what other purposes can we corrupt mistletoe? Is it smokeable? I’ll leave that for another debate.

Regarding eggnog, I have quite some experience yet prefer it virginally. One part skim milk, one part eggnog, pinch of nutmeg.

My top five favorite cookies are quite a difficult topic and again require me to discuss myself in my blog. Thus, dear stalker, you are forcing me to violate my own rules (which seem, in my narcissism, even more difficult to avoid lately). I prefer my mom’s Elves Caps (peanut butter cookies with a Hershey Kiss) or Elves Fez (peanut butter cookies with a mini Reese’s cup – the more ethnically diverse of the two cookies), sugar cookies from Potbelly (these are basically like eating a stick of butter rolled in sugar crack; fortunately this restaurant isn’t in Utah, so I’ve overcome my brief addiction (Thanks, Shellie)), my magic macadamia nut shortbread cookies half-dipped in chocolate, and any cookie my neighbors choose to share with me.

This brings me to my request for comments. Besides responding regarding the other uses and success of mistletoe, what are your favorite holiday treats?

Random Blog Funk Response #1: Overloaded Haikus December 1, 2009

“Be careful what you wish for!” seems an appropriate fit.  My first blog topic came from Art via Facebook:  “How about some kind of rant connecting the fall of Rome with the US, with your primary focus on Ostrich feathers, greco-roman wrestling, NAMBLA and clothing made of bed sheets. In haiku format, naturally.”

While Art pointed out my failure to properly format my haiku, I believe I should earn brownie points for including all of these topics about which I fully intend to never blog again.  My response is below:

Between corrupted columns, fleshy struggles of men and boys.
Neither togas nor bow-ties disguise the power-seeking hedonism.
The People store sorrow in feathered pillows.

Blog Funk November 28, 2009

I am in a blog funk.  It’s like unto a writer’s block, but much less important in the scheme of things.  Blog funk for me means that I have a bunch of topics, but am uninspired or simply unmotivated.  Therefore, I leave it to you, my two readers, to provide me with random topics.  I promise to blog – likely, horribly – on whatever topic you provide.  If you provide no topics than I simply reference you back to my last post, which ended a reasonably-inspired October somewhat uninspiringly.

Irony October 31, 2009

Originally, this blog was about the value of shutting up and about eight scenarios in which shutting up would avoid future regret.  However, the blog sucked, so I decided to shut up before I regret it.

I’d LOVE to, bring it on, and other life strategies. October 28, 2009

As much as I tell others my life is reasonably stagnant, I’m essentially referring to the fact that I always work and always go to school.  Within those realms, however, change occurs on a regular basis.  I generally don’t talk about work or school in detail, other than to unsuspecting (or, perhaps, highly suspicious) family members.  The fact is that I think about work and school almost constantly.  It’s annoying.  It’s obsessive.  It’s how I accomplish a lot.  Now, was I to think constantly about cleaning, you might see my house in much better order than it is presently. 

While I’ve always been academically motivated and was fortunate to be raised by parents who used phrases such as “When you go to college…” as opposed to “If you go to college…”, it wasn’t until my sophomore of high school in which I had an attitude realization.  I won’t go far to say it’s an attitude change because obviously the attitude has yet to permeate my behaviors.  However, it has made a significant impact in my life and therefore I bequeath to you this monumental phrase as uttered by my chemistry teacher, Mr. Green – “I’d LOVE to!”

Mr. Green would respond with these three words following essentially all requests from his students.  “Mr. Green, would you explain this for the 8000th time?”  “Mr. Green, will you put a Hostess Pie on top of your shelf at the beginning of the school year and then eat it at the end of the school year just to prove preservative effectiveness?”  “I’d LOVE to!”

I borrowed from Mr. Green his positive attitude in the face of challenge and formed a habit whereby, rather than reacting with fear, I still catch myself responding with “I’d LOVE to!”  This has enabled me to overcome many challenges, learn new things, and explore the world in ways I probably never would have if I had stayed in my fear-laden comfort zone.  As a lot of change is upon me, I think of that phrase with fondness and, while I know part of me is “faking it,” I know that it is this phrase that empowers me to take that risk.  Unfortunately, “I’d LOVE to!” has more often been replaced by the trendy, yet purposeful “Bring it on.”  While I seek not to reference cheerleading movies, there is a certain amount of attitude and empowerment which comes with that phrase, too.  Go, team!

So, the questions I’d pose this week are as follows – what or who empowers you?  What makes you feel powerful?   Lastly – and rhetorically – what is preventing you from harnessing that power and conquering ____________________?  Me?  Well, I’ll just say my crutches would support several octopi.

PS - Would I thank Mr. Green?   I’d LOVE to.

The joy of learning. October 21, 2009

It’s a wonderful thing to see other people learn or accomplish new things.  I imagine those of you with kids elate when your child learns how to open cupboards, throw things in the toilet, and talk back to you, just as I was thrilled when my dog learned to climb over a child gate or onto a table.  Excluding sarcasm (Ha.), watching others’ growth is uplifting.  Experiencing one’s own learning process is, well, not always so uplifting.

Learning theory aside, I see three types of learning opportunities – learning through hard work, learning by mistake, and learning by discovery.   I’m surely no one to comment on hard work; however I’ve made sufficient mistakes and some interesting discoveries in my many decades.   Mistake-based learning, or, as I refer to it, “learning experiences” (note that air-quotes are required if you say this out-loud; this may also be interchanged with “humbling experiences”), are those situations in which you learn something not by choice, but by humiliation.  For example, yesterday I learned Gold’s Gym’s policy is that paying members may not use the aerobics room when class is in session.  I learned this after the cardiofunk instructor stopped her class to march over to Dan and me and instruct us to leave.   There’s nothing like two fat people being forced to leave an aerobics room in front of 40 college-aged onlookers.  However, this mistake-based learning needed to occur through only one experience.  This is highly effective.  With behavioral experiences, the memory of the event lingers – for kids, we often hear the example of touching a hand to a hot burner.  Kids know that the burner is hot and will not repeat the behavior (ideally…some kids, well… never mind). 

Humiliation sucks.  I could do with fewer “learning experiences” in my life.  However, the kind of learning I especially enjoy is that which occurs fortuitously or spontaneously through discovery.  For example, Dan just suggested the joy of discovering ankle socks.  Reluctant for years, he finally caved.  At some point he might even conform and wear a purple shirt (however, we both still veto him in pink).  Some exceptional things I have discovered somewhat accidentally include the joy of chewing pebble ice, shopping at the For Every Body outlet, performing basic plumbing, handling all kinds of technology-related problems, the luxury of texting on QWERTY-keyboarded cell phones, and how Red Robin season salt ($3) is good on more than just Red Robin steak fries.

So, since I don’t want to talk about the unfortunate part of “learning experiences”, the question o’ the day is – what good things have you learned that required essentially no effort to learn? And, can you teach me…or is that too much effort?

Everything is better fried…and other guilt-inducing behaviors. October 20, 2009

In our house, we go through frying moods. Heaven forbid we would waste the precious and costly peanut oil (oh, yes, we are oil snobs). So, when we decide to fry one thing, we have to fry as many other things as possible before dumping the oil. There is an exception, here – we will not mix food-products (i.e., nothing stinky with things non-stinky). Our most favorite recent discovery is Rhodes frozen roll dough. We have fried it as scones, stuffed it with cheese and meat, filled it with peanut-butter and jelly, and the list goes on. Ironically, I blame my former personal trainer for this discovery. However, the fryer mood has passed and the evil appliance has been stashed.

During our fryer phases, I experience what other women will understand as food guilt. Put something imperfect, processed, fat-laden, calorie-filled, or even more-substantial-than-lettuce into your mouth? Guilt. Besides being female, I was raised a religious person. Combine being female, religious, and the youngest sibling and it’s all about the guilt and inferiority complexes. Oh, wait. I’m breaking one of my cardinal rules of blogging. Eeek. Guilt!

There are all kinds of things in this life which induce guilt. Food consumption, sloth, confrontation, selfishness, ingratitude, and stupidity are high up there on my list along with other things which fall on large, engraved stones. There is a dichotomy of thought on guilt – some would argue it is counterproductive, while others would suggest the opposite. Seeing how I can’t comprehend the absence of guilt, it is hard to understand life without such a permanent companion. I apparently subscribe to both dichotomies, which surely supports my prior post about being qualitatively quantitative. I have been motivated by guilt, but also think it’s a crock of phooey.

Curiosity arose today when Dan texted me a picture of one of our dogs, Tess, caught-in-the-act of destroying her creatively-named toy, Duck. Tess understands guilt. I’d like to have a conversation with her about her philosophy of guilt, but imagine it would go something like this:

Me: Tess, what do you think is the purpose of guilt?
Tess: Roo-roo-roo.
Me: Interesting. Do you think guilt is a positive or negative emotion?
Tess: Roo.
Me: Hmm. Does guilt, then, mean you are a BAD DOG?
Tess: (cowers)
Me: No! You’re not bad! You’re a GOOD GIRL!
Tess: (perks up again)

See what I mean? This conversation would probably be somewhat non-productive. So, rather than ask my dog – I’ll ask you two. What ridiculous things (or not-so-ridiculous things) make you feel guilty? Is guilt a motivator or a fruitless emotion? And, lastly, but most importantly – what else should we throw in the fryer?

Is that really necessary? October 18, 2009

I retain the wrong information.  What I lack in remembering information related to education, I make up for in remembering every time I’ve felt embarrassed.  From when I was three years old, I remember my cheeks growing warm and wanting to melt into the floor.   As I consider these lingering feelings of embarrassment, I can’t help but wonder what was ever the point in that emotion?  It certainly isn’t productive.  (Don’t get me started on “guilt” – that would take way more than just one blog to address!)

Contemplating the purpose of embarrassment led me to consider other things in life which may not be entirely necessary.  Whether drawn from human nature or manufactured in masses, Dan and I have determined the following to be unnecessary.  Our questions to you are whether you disagree and also what items you might add to our potentially-exponential list!

1. Embarrassment.  See above.
2. That ridiculous packaging.  This comes in two forms.  First, there is the hard plastic surround (plastic clamshell packaging) on anything you buy at Costco.  It’s impermeable and inflexible.  It creates carpel tunnel pain when trying to cut through it with scissors.  A whole other product was created to address these packaging dilemmas – a magic-ceramic-bladed-ridiculous-packaging-opener.  I bought it.  It doesn’t work unless the package is flat.  Don’t waste your $4.  However, it would be genius if Costco sold these at cash registers.   The second form of ridiculous packaging is found on children’s toys, such as Barbies.  Really?  Does her hair need to be twist-tied to the package in three places?  DVD packaging, including stickers, might qualify as a third form of ridiculous packaging.
3. Homedics Bubble Spa.  It seems like a great idea – you can convert any bathtub into a bubble bath.  However, the problem lies in the fact that one’s body must sit atop the bath pad from whence the bubbles are supposed to emerge.  This makes the bubble holes become plugged.  Perhaps this is only a problem for people who take up more than ½ the volume of the standard bathtub, or, have any weight whatsoever.
4. Family stickers on cars.  I recall seeing the first family set of decals on the back of a minivan a few years ago and thinking, “Ha! Cute!”   Now I see them on every-other family-sized vehicle in variations from Mickey Mouse families to turtle families to alternative two-mommy families.  No, I don’t need to know exactly how many kids and pets are in your family.  And, genius, I really don’t want to know the names of each child and pet, which you’ve labeled underneath the stickers.  However, were I not me and were instead some child predator then the names underneath the stickers might be helpful in my evil doings.  The stickers-on-cars issue might also apply to, well, any stickers.  I support whichever political group is anti-bumper stickers.
5. Dust collectors.  This is a potentially controversial item as I know many people who consider themselves collectors and I have personally enabled many dust collecting habits.  The term “dust collectors” is used in reference to little items displayed around flat surfaces in the home.   Examples of dust collectors include Willow Tree or Precious Moments items.  They sit on the surface, take up space, cause drama when they’re accidentally bumped, and are not visually pleasing since they are often, well, covered with dust.  However, those of you dust collectors who maintain and care for your collectibles – rock on with your collecting selves.  While still unnecessary, at least you’re taking care of them.
6. Toupees.  Dan noted this particular item, which at first I vetoed from the list citing the self-esteem and warmth benefits for those who wear them.  However, because men can get away with being bald and still be attractive (and also wear hats), I’ve reversed my decision.  To men who wear toupees – go ahead and go au natural!  Experience the freedom! 

There are many other items which could be included in this list, such as crocs (which we’ve already discussed – nurses, gardeners, and chefs are exempt), boring sports being broadcast on TV (baseball and golf.  YAWN.), fad diets (or, perhaps, diets-in-general), and all-manner-of-illogical-hoops-we-jump-through.  However, as I’ve been feeling quite self-indulgent within this blogosphere, I feel compelled at this point to shut up.  However, don’t get your hopes up – it won’t last.